First day... last day?

well this is my attempt at an experiment. to see if i can finally heal myself of all my shittiness and if i can consistently blog my progress.

brief overview.:

overweight at 13. became vegetarian at 14. became vegan at 15. anorexic at 16 (lasted ~3 months). yo-yo diet ever since. became raw at 24. 100% raw for one year, then went back and forth on cooked and raw.

i come from a very abnormal childhood. my father chose not to be in my life and my mother abused me. she would use food to bribe me to forgive her. i gained a lot of weight as an adolescent because of it. when i would eat, she would snap "FEEDING TIME AT THE ZOO AGAIN, ISN'T IT?!" so i started to eat in the bathroom or our bedroom when she wasn't home (we shared a bedroom... she told me i didn't need privacy). i began to hoard my food and use it to stop me from crying. i cried a lot because of her.

so i gained a lot of weight, than became a vegan (i love animals), and slipped into a very short period of anorexia. i lost 25 pounds in 3 months and i looked great. my lightest weight was 107lbs. i would say i should be 110. but 107 didn't look bad on me. (i'm 5'3)

then i got a job at an italian bakery and the only thing i could eat during my lunch breaks was the fresh bread. that put on a good 8 pounds. so i wasn't overweight, but i wasn't in shape and i hated myself.

fast forward to college since high school was pretty uneventful, i arrived skinny and graduated my heaviest. not the best way to end. college is where my health became a serious issue...but i was so unaware of myself and how people saw me. i now see i had SERIOUS candida issues. serious as in deathly serious. i SMELLED like bread EVER SINGLE MOTHERFUCKING DAY. i thought this was normal!!! i was soooooooo unaware. holy! im so embarrassed. i had serous gas issues and bad breath. i developed forehead acne (my skin was beyond perfect in highschool), became addicted to samantha drinks (remember those?) and put on so much weight!!! oh i was so ugly.

fast forward again to after college graduation. my boyfriend of 4 years... the love of my life (not my first bf but my first real love) left me for a girl he met in yoga class. i was beyond heartbroken... beyond repair. it has been almost 3 years since then, and i have yet to be ok with it. losing him was like losing the reason to live. i still don't have much to look forward to.

so my raw voyage began when my acne had gotten so horribly bad that it was leaving scars on my face. i was overweight, had acne, and had been thrown in the garbage by my ex. i remember seeing these people transformed by the raw diet! and i wanted that skin!!! and i wanted the figure!!!! oh god it looked too good to be true. and it is.

i am coming to the relazation that these people come from MARS!!!! i had the easiest transistion to raw foods. runny nose was the only detox symptoms i had. however, my skin never got better. and my figure... lets just say i look like a sack of potatoes. i still have candida issues. now don't get me wrong.... i did get some relief from my chronic yeast infections. but it never really went away. my acne... never REALLY went away. in the end it is all my doing. so this is my voyage... i'm back on raw... got a new job... need to lose weight bc i am lonely and hate to know people are looking at my marked up round face.

for now, if i post pics, it will just be of my body and not my face. the internet can be a horrible place sometimes.